What is Religious Narcissistic Abuse?
When it comes to religious narcissistic abuse, it is important to know what to look out for. If you have already become a victim, know that it is not your fault. Gaining knowledge is key to breaking free and healing.
Narcissistic abuse is a type of abuse inflicted by someone with narcissistic personality traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The most defining characteristic of a narcissist is their astounding lack of empathy. Narcissists also seek external validation and show patterns of manipulation and exploitation.
Religious narcissistic abuse is when narcissistic abuse is enacted in the name of religion, God, spiritual principles, or a higher power. The abuse may come from a narcissistic religious person, leader, movement, group, or institution.
Religious narcissistic abuse can be especially insidious because the religious narcissist may be regarded as a moral or godly person. Being in a spiritual position may offer them narcissistic supply (the attention or emotional reaction that a narcissist seeks from others to support their inflated self-image and fragile ego) in the form of validation, admiration, or power. Questioning their goodness may lead to rebuke, ostracization, or even excommunication of the victim. Narcissistic religious institutions, movements, or groups may weaponize spiritual principles, such as forgiveness, to control or silence victims. A victim may be controlled due to fear of hell or damnation.
Common Narcissistic Tactics
Common narcissistic tactics include love bombing, gaslighting, silent treatment, withholding, blame-shifting, smear campaigns, and triangulation.
Early in relationships, narcissists hook you with love bombing. This involves creating a false simulation of closeness too quickly, through flattery, compliments, gifts, and excessive attention. One may be especially susceptible to a narcissist's love bomb during periods of loneliness, stress, or other difficulties.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that leads you to question your reality. You may have been in the passenger seat when the narcissist ran a red light. But when you ask them about it, they say, “What! I have never run a red light in my life! You need to get your eyes checked! Everyone knows what a good driver I am! You can’t even see! Everyone says you can't see….”
Gaslighting may include phrases like “You are too sensitive,” or ”You’re imagining things again.” In time, gaslighting can lead a victim to question their sanity, making them increasingly dependent on the narcissistic abuser.
When a narcissist gives you the silent treatment or withholds affection from you, it is a means of punishment and control. It can be especially shocking after being love-bombed. You may find yourself feeling anxious and desperate to get back in their good graces.
Narcissists often run smear campaigns against their victims. This is deliberate reputational harm enacted through lies, half-truths, and intentionally misleading language. A smear campaign involves recruiting others to join in. If you become the target of a narcissist’s smear campaign, you may find that people you were once close to or who had initially taken your side suddenly turn on you.
Narcissists blame-shift because they are incapable of accepting accountability. Nothing can ever be their fault. People who can’t admit to being wrong rarely make meaningful changes. You will likely become the scapegoat (someone who is unfairly blamed to deflect responsibility from others) for their choices or for what goes wrong in their lives.
Narcissists love to triangulate. This means that they pit people against each other or involve other people in their disagreements. Narcissistic parents will even triangulate their children against each other.
Being familiar with these common narcissistic tactics can help you identify the abuse and establish boundaries with a toxic person or people sooner.
The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
The narcissistic cycle of abuse involves 4 phases: idealization, devaluation, discard, hoover, and then back to idealization.
Narcissists typically start with idealization. They put you on a pedestal. It feels like they think you are perfect. During this phase, they love-bomb you. They simulate a feeling of closeness quickly. They perform grand gestures, sweeping you off your feet. They may write you poetry, whisk you away for a romantic weekend, or overly compliment you to make you feel special.
In time, they start to devalue you. They push you off that pedestal and begin to mistreat you. This can be traumatic if you are the victim. You may find yourself scrambling, feeling desperate to win the narcissist back.
Then they discard. They may ghost you, dump you, or replace you with someone else. The cruelty can be destabilizing for the victim. You will likely be the target of their smear campaign. You may even find that your friends or family take the narcissist’s side instead of yours.
It doesn’t always happen, but oftentimes the narcissist will hoover. This is when they decide they want you back. They may send flowers or promise that things will be different this time. Narcissists can be very convincing. But if you take them back, the cycle will start again. After a period of lovebombing and idealization, the narcissist will devalue you again. Reconciling with a narcissist can cause you to trauma bond with them, making it even harder to break the cycle.
Being aware of the narcissistic cycle of abuse can aid you in making the necessary choices to break away sooner rather than later.
Spiritual Principles Exploited by Narcissists
There are several spiritual or religious principles that are commonly exploited by narcissists, or that keep victims in an abusive situation longer. This can include weaponized forgiveness, weaponized repentance, anti-divorce beliefs, weaponized ideas about prayer, strict systems of hierarchy, or fear of the afterlife (among others).
One of the most common religious principles that narcissistic abusers exploit is forgiveness. If you feel inclined to forgive your abuser, that doesn’t mean you have to take them back. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not interchangeable. Narcissists don’t change, and if you take one back, the abuse restarts in time.
Some religions teach that if a person “repents” to God, they are completely forgiven of any committed “sins”. In faiths like this, narcissistic abusers often put on performative repentance while offering no restitution to the victim. And then, the victim is expected to put the matter behind them, lest they be regarded as the sinner. The cycle of abuse will start again.
Many religious people are against divorce. This creates a situation where abused spouses outstay marriages with entitled, abusive narcissists. Oftentimes, victims in religious institutions are told to pray that their narcissistic abuser changes. For this reason, victims stay in abusive relationships, expecting God to perform a miracle. Sometimes years, even decades, pass by with a victim desperately praying. But narcissists don’t change.
Many religious systems are based on authoritarian or strict hierarchical orders. One example is a gender-based hierarchy. Narcissists may exploit their position in a hierarchy to gain power, gain control, or mask inappropriate behavior.
In religions that believe in heaven and hell, victims may remain silent because they are taught that standing up for themselves or standing up to the religious group can damn their souls.
If you find yourself feeling trapped by religious principles, it is okay to question your beliefs. Ask yourself why such beliefs came about and who is benefiting from them. This doesn’t mean that you have to abandon your belief system altogether if you don’t want to. You can choose to reframe the areas that have been harmful to you.
The Impact Of Religious Narcissistic Abuse
The impact of religious narcissistic abuse is far-reaching. Victims are affected socially, psychologically, spiritually, physically, and financially.
Socially, victims may find themselves isolated or having difficulty making and maintaining relationships. They may have increased social anxiety or find it difficult to trust people. Victims may also experience a loss of personal identity and severe self-doubt after being gaslighted for so long. They may find themselves more susceptible to falling for the next narcissistic abuser.
Many victims, due to prolonged trauma, suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or CPTSD. Symptoms include nightmares, hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, and other painful symptoms. It is common for victims to experience depression and anxiety. Survivors can find themselves experiencing brain fog, which is a clouding of consciousness and an inability to concentrate.
Furthermore, abuse from religious systems may make a person more susceptible to mental health issues such as religious delusion or religious OCD. Religious delusion is a false, rigid belief related to religion or spirituality that is not shared by others and significantly impairs a person's ability to function or relate to reality. It typically shows up in mental illnesses like schizophrenia, mania, or psychotic depression. Religious OCD, also known as scrupulosity, is a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder where a person becomes intensely and irrationally preoccupied with religious or moral issues. It's a debilitating mental health condition rooted in anxiety and intrusive thoughts. If you suffer from mental health disorders, it is of urgent importance to seek mental healthcare from licensed professionals. Church or pastoral counseling does not replace mental healthcare.
Survivors of narcissistic abuse often have a harsh inner critic. It is the voice that criticizes you, puts you down, and calls you names. It is the voice of the abuser that a victim internalizes over time. The harsh inner critics of survivors of religious abuse often tell them that they are dirty, sinful, or irredeemable. Though the inner critic is a liar, it feels very real. Religious narcissistic abuse may lead a victim to wrongly believe that they are inherently flawed, damned, or are being punished by God.
Prolonged narcissistic abuse can even lead to illness in the body. Many survivors experience chronic Illness, mysterious illness, and autoimmune conditions.
It is not uncommon for survivors to experience financial hardship. The mental health impact of abuse can interfere with a person's ability to work or perform on the job. The cost of a long-winded divorce with a narcissist can be devastating. In more extreme cases, victims may have been convinced to give large amounts of money, even life savings, to televangelists or cult leaders with a promise of God's blessings. The blessings don't come, and the victim ends up broke.
If you have fallen victim, know that it is not your fault. Nonetheless, the severity of the consequences of religious narcissistic abuse makes it all the more necessary and urgent to be informed of the signs and red flags of this dangerous dynamic.
How to Break Free From Religious Narcissistic Abuse
Trying to talk to a narcissistic abuser about the harm they cause you doesn’t do much good since they are unable to put themselves in your shoes, and will most likely play the victim. It may be triggering, and you may find yourself getting emotional, losing control of your reactions, or behaving in ways that make you appear as the bad one. Reconciliation with a narcissistic person or group is not a realistic expectation.
The most effective way to break out of the cycle of narcissistic abuse is by going no contact. This means cutting off all communication. This includes in-person communication, calls, texts, DMs, emails, and any other mode of communication. It also means not following them on social media and not asking mutual friends about them.
But sometimes you can’t go no contact. For example, if you are co-parenting with a narcissistic abuser. In that case, it is helpful to go low contact. This means engaging in limited communication with them and only discussing what is completely necessary. In some cases, communication may occur solely through lawyers.
If you are stuck communicating with your narcissist, it is important to respond, not react. Narcissists have a way of saying things that are so unnerving that you may find yourself losing emotional control. This is a part of the abuse and is a form of narcissistic supply. It’s also destabilizing for the victim. Be prepared to respond with the fewest number of words possible and the lowest level of emotion possible. This helps you remain calm as you disempower the narcissist.
You can also gray rock. That means you respond in ways that are as boring and bland as a gray rock. In time, your narcissist may get bored or tired and look for better supply.
Due to the trauma caused by narcissistic abuse, it is important to find a therapist who understands narcissism and abuse. Pastoral counseling, church counseling, or the like, should never be used as a replacement for therapy or counseling from a licensed professional.
Having friends that you can trust and talk to can make a big difference. This may be difficult at first, but with continued healing, you’ll meet the right people.
Ultimately, the greatest weapon you have against narcissistic abuse is knowing yourself and owning your reality. Focus on yourself (it’s not selfish). Reacquaint yourself with the things you like and enjoy. Engage in self-care. Reignite your hobbies and interests, or pursue them for the first time. Reject the things that don’t serve you. Walk away from people, situations, and relationships that cause you stress, anxiety, or harm. Focus your time and attention on the people, environments, and relationships that bring you joy and peace. And do these things unapologetically!
The Good News
Although it is difficult, healing is within reach. You are not alone, and there is life after religious narcissistic abuse. Oftentimes, what we are going through feels like too much to bear. But in time, you may find that you surprise yourself by how resilient you truly are!
Overcoming Church Abuse:
5 Steps to Meaningful Change and Healing
- Unravel Toxic Theology (Religious Beliefs)
- Go No Contact With High-Control Religion
- Don’t Replace Mental Healthcare with Church Counseling
- Befriend Being Disliked and Misunderstood
- Carve Your Own Path (You Don’t Need Anyone’s Approval!)
6 Months to Change Your Life!
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